Well, it’s the age old story of boy sees girl, boy screams out window at girl, girl rolls eyes, flips guy off and they never see each other again. Catcalling.
Or at least, I’d like to say that’s the way the story played out this time.
But it did not.
My husband and I had made the drive from Edmonton, Alberta to Portland, Oregon and we weren’t aware that we were in the liberalish bubble that Portland can be. Where catcalling or street harassment might not be as common as in downtown oil patch Deadmonton. So, as we were walking back to our AirBnB from breakfast, I noticed a truck pull off to the side of the road where we were walking. Two men were leaning out the window toward us and yelling something. Immediately, I gave that eye roll glare, looked ahead and kept walking.
It’s likely I was thinking something along the lines of “Good Lord, I’m walking with a man and a baby, can a girl get one outing with some peace?”
I hadn’t noticed but my husband had stopped to talk to the two men in the truck.
Then I heard the elderly man at the wheel ask for directions to Woodstock.
I felt humiliated and obviously like an ass.
And then I didn’t.
I thought of the conversations I’d had with friends. One in particular when I told them that a man had approached me on the street for the sole purpose of asking whether I was single and when I said no would push further and ask about my partner and I would literally have to push past him to get away. I thought about how when stories like this were told, these friends would allude to the fact that me assuming these men were entitled creeps made me seem like a bitch. That these men were just being nice. I should be thankful for the compliment. A lot of women don’t get that attention. Grow a thicker skin. There was no harm done.
Except for the fact that I don’t get to keep my dignity when I walk alone down any street, or even browse the grocery store for that matter.
Yep, the grocery store. Where a man followed me around until I was about to leave, commented on his attraction to me, put out his hand for me to shake it, then pulled me in and kissed me on the mouth.
It wasn’t until the grocery store incident that the men in my life started understanding that the catcalling and the harassment were bigger problems than they had thought. I was no longer being bitchy. I was now walking around with a target on my back. I was too nice.
Right there is the catch 22. If I assume their behaviour is degrading in some way and I respond like an animal backed into a corner, I’m a bitch. If I’m approached and let the conversation go on too long and the man starts to get pushier, I’m too nice, welcoming attention, naive.
At what point do we turn this around and say, “Hey, maybe the problem isn’t the women’s response, but the fact that these men constantly feel entitled to our time and attention.”
Should I really feel guilty for my defensive response to these innocent men in this truck?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not prescribing giving all strangers the big eff you, but can you really blame us for getting to the point where we just don’t want any of it? Where we’d rather play defence than play polite?
Anytime I find myself alone on a street or a parking lot. I instinctively go into survival mode. It’s very automatic. I walk quickly, keeping my eyes peeled, carry my keys with my hand on the unlock button as to get into my car as quickly as possible. If I see a man or men approaching, my pace quickens, my heart is in my throat. I get in the car. Immediately lock the door and drive the hell out of there. I’m acting and reacting out of fear. Every. Single. Time.
We practice these rituals for protection from humiliation, belittlement and as we are all so very well aware of, the threat of assault or death. Walk confidently, but not too confidently. Don’t make eye contact. If you are trapped into engaging, be polite, but not too polite. Dress this way, not that way.
But the rituals fail us too often.
I think of the time my friend and I were walking downtown to get to my car. It was late, we were alone and all of a sudden a man dashes across the middle of the street toward us. Both of us grabbed each other as if bracing for attack. He got to the side of the street where we were and saw us standing there in complete petrification and immediately realized what we were thinking. He was humiliated. He quickly apologized as he continued walking.
Then I think of times like when I was walking with friends down a path at night to get home and a group of intoxicated men started howling at us. The howling turned to following us. They quickened their pace as we quickened ours until they were chasing us through a dark park and I had to hide in a bush next to someone’s fence while my friends continued to run.
I think of the time a man hugged me from behind while I was pushing my cart through the frozen aisle and asked if I would take him home for dinner, or the time a man grabbed my crotch at a bar as he walked by, Or the time a man continually tried to feed me carrot cake in front of my friends, all of whom were acting REAL uncomfortable.
Ask any woman, she most likely has at least one story of humiliation, belittlement or paralyzing fear as the result of being female.
So, to the men who don’t find catcalling a “big deal”, I know you will never quite understand the impact catcalling has on women as you are not harassed on a daily basis based on the sum of your body parts but let me break this down for you.
- It’s arrogant to assume that any stranger is interested in what you think of their body
- It’s startling and rude to scream at anyone unless you are saving them from imminent danger
- I don’t care if some women tell you they like it. Unless you know that this specific woman likes it and she verbally consents to your screaming at her out your car window, or humping the air in her direction, it’s not okay.
- It’s harassment.
- It’s degrading.
- Most of us would take your respect over your “compliments” any day.
- Women’s bodies are routinely made a spectacle of and we often feel threatened by strangers who take interest in them. Most of us are tired of being measured by your attraction to us, no matter your intention.
- You aren’t entitled to any response from us for your catcalling, your “compliments” or your advances, let alone a positive one.
- You aren’t entitled to women assuming that your intentions were simply to lend a compliment.
So, to the men in the truck who pulled over to ask for directions, sorry… but not really.
Catcalling seems like a thing that should be LONG gone by now! When I was obviously pregnant with my oldest, constructions workers did the same thing to me. Thankfully my dad was around, and he went over there and ripped ’em a new one!
I can relate to your post on so many levels. Just yesterday i went for a walk and it was getting dark and i saw i guy walking behind me. I am always so paranoid because like you i have been followed in the past. The first thing i always do is switch it up to make sure the person isn’t actually following me. I would cross the street, are walk fast to see if they follow. There has also been several times when i misunderstood and thought they were cat calling me when in fact it wasnt the case. Its tough at times as a woman differentiate the two.????
When I was younger I lived in a different neighborhood and this was an issue. It basically led to my dramatically changing my clothing since I didn’t like the attention. Hasn’t happened in a while, but I’ll never forget the feeling. You’re right. It’s never justified.
Wow. You’ve had some really specific experiences. I can see why you have this view and thank you for the candidness. I agree with the sentiment but I’d like to live in a world where men are still good people. I’d like to read more of your posts to develope a further prospective. Til then keep your eyes peeled, and yes, don’t give directions.
I completely get it. My friend and I had a guy jump in the backseat after a night of dancing. I lock my doors as soon as I get in my car now. It is such a habit that I did it when I was dating my husband, and he ask me why. I explained that it was for my safety, and it has become automatic. He was shocked. He didn’t even think about what it must be like for women. To lighten the conversation he ended it by jokingly saying “it must suck to be a girl.” He understands now, but there are so many men out there that don’t.
I can totally relate to what you wrote about the steps you take to get to your car. I don’t do it out of fear but out of defense. I learned those things in a defense class. So just know that what you are doing is smart and people should follow suit.
Thank you for putting this out there! People think you should be flattered getting attention like that. But it can be scary.
I was just thinking about the first time a grown man cat called me when I was around 12. So creepy. I don’t understand it. Everything you said was SO on point!
To me unfortunately this really resided, as a woman that lives downtown I constantly find myself nervous and in “hiding” if I’m alone even if it is in the middle of the day.
I too can empathize with being chased, grabbed, whistled, honked at and quite frankly completely degraded for the fact that I got dressed and wore what I wanted to that day.
I have had people physically POKE me in public while clearly showing 0 interest in them whatsoever and ACTUALLY turning up music to show them how little I’m interested in having a conversation even though I already have my headphones in.
Thank you for sharing your stories, now I don’t feel so awkward to share mine !
So this is one of the most awesome posts I’ve read lately. What is wrong with people these days that they think their behavior is acceptable. Some stranger actually touched you? kissed you? WTF! Of course you’re not trusting of random strangers pulling up beside you. I haven’t had severe experiences like you have, and I still stay out of those situations react like you do. Unfortunately, we’re women and we are targets.
I LOVE this list! It is unfortunate that we immediately feel negatively toward a man calling to us but it’s definitely legitimate. I was harassed so badly once when I lived in Hawaii that people literally surrounded me on the bus to keep me safe and the bus driver had to pull over and kick the guy off. In what world does a man think that is ok?!?? It’s disgusting!
Thank you Marisa. We reserve the right to exist without being violated in ANY way, and to all … yes that means catcalling.
Ah you hit the nail on the head sister! There is this expectation that women are there for men’s pleasure, and it must stop – for the sake of our daughters.
I have so many things to say about this I can’t fit them in the comment box. Bravo and thank you should sum it up for now!
Lots of boys aren’t raised to respect people at large, and particularly, women. The culture says that our attraction to a woman is the only thing. Not respect for her, or the possibility of mutual attraction. I’d rather be smiled at by woman I don’t know and have it become just a passing event than to feel compelled to stop her and tell her I find her attractive.
I don’t face the same challenges as you. I do wish there existed an environment in which you could be open to interactions with strangers with beautiful intent rather than selfish proclamations and actions. These people keep you and others from experiencing the beauty of the human condition. I’m glad I found the space in which you write about this.