You are afraid so often.
So often that you’ve learned to chase validation even if it means letting yourself evaporate a little.
You’re ashamed of your emotions.
You’re ashamed of your mind.
You’re ashamed of your doubts.
You’re convicted.
You are loud and bold and opinionated.
It’s going to get you into trouble.
It’s going to hurt you and you’re going to hurt others.

 

 

Keep that volume and that boldness.
Some boys won’t like it and you’ll feel small for it.
They don’t matter as much as your voice does.
They’re as afraid to be themselves as you are.

Shed the conviction for convictions sake.
Embrace that doubt.
Let it lead you to questions.
You’ll find things you wished you’d had the strength to find sooner.

You’ll love a few boys and a few girls and you’ll all hurt each other.
It’ll hurt a lot and for a long time.
You’ll come through and it’ll give you understanding for love and
friendships that can last.
It’ll give you understanding for how it looks to love when you don’t like.
How it looks to love when you can’t feel.

You are more than sex. He is more than sexual.
You get married and you don’t feel guilty for the sex you had before.
No one dies. It’s okay.
Living to prevent hell isn’t living.

Stop listening when they tell you about your obligation to prevent his
infidelity.
You are as sexual as he is and he is as capable of commitment as you are.

You’ll be a mother and it will bring you more pain than you’ve ever
had to handle but it will give your life a beauty and a drive you never knew before him.

And don’t look at your body like that anymore.
The mirror isn’t meant to be held that close.
No one gets to decide what it should look like.
It’ll look the way it’ll look no matter how much you try to control it.

When you get that, you’ll forget what it’s like to use a microscope on your thighs or your pores.
That freedom will give you a focus to do what you’re meant to do.

You’re going to feel so much.
That never stops.
It’s going to hurt.
That never goes away.
It builds but that hurt brings a beauty and
creates a person who loves and feels and can empathize deeply.

You’re going to tell a lot of truth and lose a lot of people.
People you wished you’d let go of already.
They’ll hate you and you’ll hate them
but learning not to hate will be the
hardest and most important thing you’ll do.

Let yourself feel everything but not for too long.
Pain and anger are necessary but addicting.

Hug your family.
Forgive them.
Forgive yourself.

Say sorry and say it often.
But do not say it for being a woman with a voice or for
the anger you feel when you need to feel it.

Drink the wine. You need it.
Don’t blindly follow the rules to avoid guilt.

Separate God and Church and White.
Go ahead and hate that picture of white skinned, blue eyed Jesus.
He doesn’t exist.

Heaven isn’t worth it if God is disgusted by people who pray
differently, look differently, or love differently than you.
Heaven isn’t worth it if the only people going are the ones making those people suffer.

God isn’t gone from you and he still loves you even when you distance yourself.
Get your bearings and come back to him when you’re ready.

When you pray for your grandma at the hospital, remember she hears you.
Remember the way she holds your hand and the happiness in her tears.

Even in your goodness you’ll still be capable of hypocrisy and causing pain.
Remember sorry.
Remember sorry.
Remember sorry.

Remember your weaknesses.
Work on them.
But more so, remember your strengths and
how they can pull you out of that weakness.

Love yourself outside of motherhood.
Outside of partnership.
Outside of friendships.
Outside of your body. It can only do so much.
Love yourself because of the way your mind works.

Don’t forget to be good.
Not always nice,
not always pleasant,
not easy to handle
but good.

You’re going to help to change your part of the world
and that will mean more to you than anything that’s happening now.

But you need all of this pain and beauty and growth or you won’t be you.